Positive Communication Skills : Being Assertive

Last week I got into an argument with my neighbor over the usage of a clothesline. She informed me, as I came outside carrying a bundle of damp clothing, that Wednesday was her day to use the line and that I can't just use things whenever I want and the ensuing argument ended by calling me a 'rude, snotty bugger'.

The entire situation seems outrageous in retrospect and could have been easily avoided. The problem lay not in the lady's use of the clothesline on a certain day; I could care less. The problem stems from how the message was delivered. Observe:

Me: "Hi"

Lady: "Today is Wednesday and Wednesday is my day to use the clothes line. You are new here and you can't just assume that you can use the line any day you want."

Me: "What am I supposed to do? Go around knocking at every door to check that nobody wants to dry clothes? Its first come, first served."

Lady: "No it isn't. I paid for this clothesline to be put up last year and you're being very cheeky and rude right now!"

Things went downhill quickly from there. I am certainly not about to stand around and let myself be talked-down to by someone, regardless if they are an old woman or a young kid, and lets just say that I responded in kind. I eventually strung up my own personal line to hang my clothes on with a length of paracord.

Now, had she presented her message in an assertive, positive manner, things would have went much differently:

Me: "Hi"

Lady: "Hello, how are you? I think we are going to have a problem here. I usually use the clothesline on Wednesdays to dry my clothes. Would it be OK with you if I hang my wet clothes now and then you can use the line in the afternoon?"

Me: "Oh ok. Well actually I have my own rope that I can hang so its fine."

In this scenario, the woman presents her problem and presents a solution non-confrontational tones and an agreement is reached. It is a positive interaction for both parties.

I presented this same basic premise of Being Assertive during a Life Orientation class I taught in 2010. The idea is to communicate your view point in a neutral fashion. You don't attack the other person and you also make sure to not be overly passive in your stance. The second party is then given a chance to respond and an agreement is either reached or the discussion continues. The basic construction of an assertive interaction is as follows:

Person A: I feel (emotion) when you (issue at hand). I would like it better if you would (possible solution) instead. How do you feel about that?

Person B: I hear what you are saying and I will (change being made).

Person A: Thank you.

Another example of this style of communication in practice of a parent asking a child to do his or her chores. Scenario 1:

Person A: It makes me feel unhappy whenever you don't cut the grass and it grows very high. I would like it better if you would mow the lawn more often. What do you think?

Person B: Ok. How would it be if I cut it weekly; say every Monday?

Person A: That sounds good. Thank you.

Compare that to an attacking, not-ideal style of the same conversation. Scenario 2:

Person A: You're not a child anymore. You should be old enough now to cut the grass. I should not have to tell you to do this.

Person B: Ok should I do it weekly; say every Monday?

Person A: No. It should be done when you notice it and you should be responsible enough to notice on your own.

In which scenario would you predit a positive outcome? Most likely it is the assertive form. In that case, Person A presents the problem and the way they personally feel about it using "I" phrasing. Person B is never attacked and is able to come to a solution with Person A with no hurt feelings.

On the other hand, in Scenario 2, Person A presents the same issue but this time they put the entire load on Person B, criticizing them in various ways. This style of communications will lead to hurt feelings if not a full blown argument.

So, when you go about your life, speak calmy and don't attack the other person. Present the idea from your own perspective and let the other person contribute to the discussion. The world will be a better place and your interactions will be much more positive in nature.

The concept of clear communication is universal whether for children in a village in Africa or adults in developed cities.